Author Topic: Our friend: Safety with tools  (Read 3421 times)

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Our friend: Safety with tools
« on: June 08, 2007, 01:51:18 PM »
I dont know who wrote this as everyone seems to have copied it

Subject: Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ....."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transfos human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing
race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or ? socket you've been searching
for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel
wire shards.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another
line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry
bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found
under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum dddddddddddddddd seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into compressed air that travels by < BR>hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap
off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it when hanging

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, an d rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling a string of obscenities at the top
of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
you will need.

Offline maverick monk

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Re: Our friend: Safety with tools
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2007, 02:32:27 PM »
that is great, the thing about the drill press is true, last time it beat me over the head with a 20GA piece of sheet steel, you now need:

Soldering Iron: a strange power consuming tool that works great for melting stuck zip ties, tape, and opening frusurating plastic bottle caps. it also has this unusual ability to melt lead/tin wire.

Heat Gun: a "super hairdier" used to warp plastics, and meltthings wen your bored DO NOT... let your wife see it, unless you lke the look of bald women who are always in a rush to do their hair faster.

BIC Lighter: use to shrink shrinkwrap and light everything in the vacinity on fire. this is good for shrinking shrink wrap, heatshrink and nothing else, WARNING: singes nosehair/ mustaches, also, DOES NOT SHRINK YOUR GUT, ( it may however shrink pets, and leave them bald.)

Electrical Tape: use to cover up wires you melted with above tool


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